Who needs a Game of Thrones recap?By Editor
Unless you've been living under a rock, today will be a very special occasion for you.
No, it is not the fact it's National Scrabble Day - although that is cause for celebration - it's the series opener of Game of Thrones season 5!
And whilst that is gobsmackingly exciting for everyone involved, you may have forgotten what happened in the last instalment of the franchise.
As per usual, The Student Guide has got your back and has compiled a list of all the things of importance that occurred. And we've done so in layman's terms for your enjoyment. (PLEASE BE AWARE: SPOILERS AHEAD)
Joffrey Baratheon kicks the bucket
Professional sicko and ruler of the Seven Kingdoms, Joffrey marries the sneaky Margaery of the house Tyrell. However, during the post-nuptial celebrations someone poisons the young king, leaving everyone to suspect his brother, Tyrion.
The Night's Watch is victorious over the Wildlings
It seemed a bit ropey for Jon Snow and his not-so-merry men this season, as the Wildings got organised and linked up their tribes to form a super group. It was pretty cool because they had giants and big elephant things in their squad, too. It resulted in a ruckus the likes of which have never been seen. Sadly, Snow's bae, Ygritte, got arrowed by some weird kid called Olly, thus telling him for the last time that he knew nothing.
Daenerys starts to lose control over her kids but does emancipate some people
Hell-bent on adding more titles to her name, Khaleesi frees the slaves of Mereen, which is nice. However, her horrid little dragons start to act up, forcing her to lock two of them away. The sneaky spying of Ser Jorah is also revealed, causing her to banish him.
Bran and co. find some tree or something
On their boring mission, Bran and his weird mates finally make it to the weirwood tree that they had been looking for. Then some skeletons fight them for a bit, killing Jojen. They are then rescued by some tree people. They meet an old man who calls himself the three-eyed raven who tells Bran that some pretty cool stuff is in store for him (which I heavily doubt).
Arya and The Hound's road trip ends
Brienne comes to collect young Arya, resulting in a big fight between herself and The Hound. He is left on the verge of death, but Arya is unsympathetic because she remembers he killed her bro, the butcher's boy, a few season ago. She then heads off with their joint change purse. Mean.
Oberyn Martell comes, sees, but doesn't conquer
At the start of the season, a mysterious man known as Oberyn Martell turns up to Joffrey's ill-fated wedding. However, we soon learn that he has ulterior motives - who saw that coming, ay? Anyway, it's revealed that The Mountain (a big monster man that works for the Lannisters) killed Martell's sister and children. The leads to Martell being Tyrion's champion during Joff's murder trial by combat extravaganza. After some truly sweet moves, the man from Dorne is bestest by The Mountain who squeezes his head into mush.
Tyrion is sentenced to death but flees before getting a little bit of revenge
Jaime Lannister frees Tyrion and before making his escape he learns that his pops, Tywin, has been cracking on with Ty-dog's former lover, Shae. He kills her, then crossbow's his dad on the toilet. He then dips to Essos, which is very nice this time of year, I hear.
Jon Snow, Mance Rayder and Stannis Baratheon cross paths
So, Jon Snow heads out to negotiate with the head of the wildlings, Mance, but is interrupted by none other than Stannis Baratheon who puts the place on absolute lockdown. Mance understands that his jig is up but refuses to bend the knee to Stan the Man. Rayder is taken hostage but not killed. Bodies of the dead from both camps are then burnt so they don't turn into those weird skeleton bodies