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Oscar awards we’d like to see handed out

By Editor
Oscar awards we’d like to see handed out

It's Oscar night, and whilst everyone puts their bets on who's a shoe in to win big tonight, we have compiled a selection of awards that we think should be handed out tonight.

Biggest mindfuck

Catching a glimpse of Ben Affleck's wang may have been one of the year's most unsuspecting moments, but marginally overshadowing this huge cinematic moment was the revelatory scene from Interstellar. Science, plotholes and any other objections to the film aside, anyone who watched it for the MOVIE that it was were blown away when the film finally started to tie into a beautiful bow.


Best Matthew McConaughey-style comeback

Some say Bill Paxton in Nightcrawler, others say Keanu Reeve's attempt at being the new Liam Neeson by way of John Wick, but let's face it, the biggest comeback of the year was Michael Keaton killing it in Birdman. Playing a washed up doofus who used to be part of a superhero franchise in the 80s, you could argue the film is a little close to home, but it's clear Keaton channeled his past into the film to great effect. It's a little avant-garde, sure. If you can get past it, though, you will a see a man on the up.



Biggest fuss over nothing

After all the talk about it being banned and Sony getting hacked, which invited talks about freedom of speech, The Interview turned out to be just an average Judd Apatow-style comedy. And, after all, that, it got a cinematic release in the UK anyway. Bloody Nora.



Best moment involving a drum kit

As much as I enjoyed the score in Birdman that seemed to follow around the characters, this prestigious award has to go to the denouement of Whiplash. After all the blood, sweat and tears that precede it, we arrive at a concert where our protagonist is behind a kit and seemingly reconciled with his drum teacher.

What happens next is a sublimely edited, tremendously executed virtuoso drumming performance that left filmgoers in awe. Even if you think jazz is self-indulgent nonsense, Whiplash is a joy, and the ending is the cherry on the top.



Best film that no one has seen

Boyhood. Seriously, I haven't spoken to one person who has seen it yet. What's all that about?



Worst Johnny Depp film

Will someone glue Johnny Depp's agent's hands to a radiator and stop booking him in abysmal films? It's getting silly now. He was unwatchable in all three of the films he made this year, but it was Mortdecai that took the biscuit. Depp, please take a step back or people will forget about that good film you did all those years ago.



The award for the actor that keeps going despite the continual heaps of hate

Come on, this one's easy. There are no other contenders necessary. It's Tom Cruise. It's like he has a forcefield around him at all times that deflects any criticism. He's a trooper in many ways, as he's actually made some top films as of late and ignored people talking constant trash about his private life. Kudos, I guess.



Biggest onscreen creep

There were quite a few people in this category that deserved a nomination, no less Steve Carrell's haunting performance as the crazed John du Pont in Foxcatcher. But it's Jake Gyllenhaal who wins this category. What's worse is that he was snubbed by the academy for his creepy portrayal of Lou Bloom, LA's sleaziest fictional paparazzi, in Nightcrawler.

He was amazing in End of Watch, he was ignored for his devastatingly brilliant contribution to Prisoners and he's been left out in the cold again. Forget Leo, Jake needs an oscar just as much. Let's just not talk about Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time.



Best insult

The only person in this category should be JK Simmons for Whiplash. His putdowns would cause a nervous breakdown if they were inflicted on someone in real life. Here's the best:

"If you deliberately sabotage my band, I will gut you like a pig. Oh my dear God - are you one of those single tear people? You are a worthless pancy-ass who is now weeping and slobbering all over my drumset like a nine-year-old girl!" Brutal.



Tagged: oscars, films, comedy, cinema

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