Not another Brit AwardsBy Editor
Just like you can bank on Noel Gallagher launching a slew of abuse at a middle of the road indie act every couple of months or so (Alt-J, I urge you to take shelter), you can also count on a broadsheet journalist lamenting the past chaos of the Brits.
It's true, of course, it ain't like it used to be. However, there's no use harping on about it every year and not putting together a plan of action. So I have taken the liberty of doing so in the vain hope a big wig will read this and make amends before it's too late.
In the past we've seen many a shambolic, but entertaining presenter take the mantel of Brit host. Russell Brand did his usual pre-revolutionary offensive shtick in 2007 where he managed to knock up over 300 complaints. The Osbornes the following year was a botch job, made even worse by Vic Reeves too drunk to read out the winner of the outstanding album award. But what do we have now? Well, we've just had 4 years of James Corden. FOUR YEARS. That's like a presidential term, and what was the wackiest thing he did during this time? He told Justin Bieber that he smelled nice.
Tonight we have Ant and Dec, the most wholesome geordie lads in the business, who will undoubtedly be toeing the line as if a sniper will be monitoring them from the balcony. It's not too late for the execs to realise how drab they will be and enlist the only person who will surely make things more interesting: Kanye West AKA Yeezus AKA Imma Let Ya Finish AKA The king of contention. Sure, Kanye has just been added to the live bill tonight, but that's when he's least controversial (unless he's doing a long-winded speech). It would be great because he'd just pick the winners. Imagine it, Beyonce winning best British male, British Producer of the Year and Best Breakthrough Act. Absolute madness, ay?
Speaking of awards, why is the best album considered the most coveted of the prizes? Who listens to albums anymore? No one, not by conventional means anyway. It needs to be revamped to fit in with the youth of the today. Therefore, it should be retitled 'best collection of songs by the same artist that you've listened to consecutively on Spotify'.
Also, 'Best Song' is too broad. Why not 'best getting ready tune', 'best song to turn a damp squib of a party into a bearable one' and 'best song that Fearne Cotton bangs on Radio 1 about but you pretend to hate but secretly love' (This year it would go to Ed Sheeran's Thinking Out Loud <3) and the Sam Smith award for excellence in melodramatic, over the top ballad singing (Smith would win this obviously, but John Newman would get an honourable mention). They should also employ a ban on Robbie Williams winning any more awards. No person deserves 17 Brit accolades regardless over brilliantly progressive Rudebox was.
This year the Brits let a few journos into the backstage area to show how cool and exciting it will be behind the scenes. Sadly, it just made me sigh due to how dull and corporate it looked. One area looks like a mocked up IKEA living room, there's a spa, a pick and mix stand, a facial hydration station and a bar serving food (the salad's £8.50). This I cannot abide. This shouldn't be a love-in for God's sake. There should just be one toilet and a few coathangers, and a bottle of mid-quality tequila. Bloody prima donnas.
Apparently the choice of afterparty this year is Ed Sheeran's or Sam Smith's. That's a toss-up, then, between a soiree involving a lot of nerds singing rap lyrics really loud in a circle or a giant baby in a suit getting drunk and sobbing about his ex. This is a hard one. I wonder where Kanye's headed...
In times gone by, the Brits liked to court dispute between artists. The Oasis and Blur rivalry is the most classic ( although lest we forget Chumbawumba versus John Prescott). But does anyone expect anything to go awry tonight? I can't imagine George Ezra kicking off if he doesn't win Best Breakthrough. So it's time we looked at recent events to create a furore. Here is who we ;
Drake with Chris Brown (their beef has just been ignited again)
Drake with Tyga (Drake just dissed him on his new mixtape and Tyga wants a piece)
Drake with P Diddy (Diddy recently punched him in the chops)
Drake and Birdman (Drake just jumped ship from his label)
Birdman and Nicki Minaj (Minaj didn't let Birdman into her Grammys afterparty)
Birdman and Lil Wayne (Lil Wayne is currently suing him for 50 mil)
If we can get these guys into one place it's going to be carnage. Or they could get the Loose Women around a table and ply them with a few buckets of Tesco's finest Rosé.
(Banner image courtesy of The Metro)