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By Megan McCarthy

With the imminent release of The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings fever is once again upon us.

Though we all may harbour a secret desire for an opportunity to scream “you shall not pass!”, what about those who take fandom a bit too far? Here are my top 5 ways in which The Lord of the Rings has affected (and effed) my life...

5. Today, I discovered that my boyfriend knows all of the words to the Lord of the Rings films. One, two and three. He even knows the Elvish lines, and yet can’t seem to master the simple task of remembering my mother’s name. I’ve been with this guy for two years.

4. The other day I had to patiently listen as a customer nattered on and on about how incompetent I was for not stocking the movie she was looking for. It took nearly 20 minutes to get her to calm down long enough for me to explain that there is no such movie as Hobbits with Shotguns.

3. Once, I decided to go swimming with my exercise-freak friend. I thought I was doing pretty well with keeping up when she told me I looked “like Gollum flailing for a fish, wearing a bikini”. The man in the next lane laughed so hard he nearly drowned.

2. My boyfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. He got on the bed on all fours and crawled towards me saying “my precioussss, my preciousss” in a scarily accurate Gollum impression.

And at number one, my personal favourite…

1. My boyfriend referred to his penis as ‘The Eye of Sauron’. It didn’t help when he pulled down his foreskin, pointed it in my direction and said “I see you”.

Tagged: the hobbit, lord of the rings, funny, fun, films

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