How to be a good housemate

By Kasperoo | Wed, 07 Sep 2011 14:57 | 0 comments

An Idiot's Guide to Making Friends

Leave all your dirty dishes in the sink

Your flatmates will really appreciate this. There are few things in life more intimate than washing someone else’s grimy leftovers from their dirty plates; your new friends will really leap at this opportunity to bond with you. They’ll especially like it if you allow it to stack up and fester for a few days, so it takes even longer to scrub clean.

Play really loud music all the time

Friends like to know about each other’s tastes and interests. You can save them the trouble of asking by playing your favourite tunes at heightened volume all day and all night until there’s no mistaking what you like. They’ll appreciate such a considerate gesture. To make it extra clear, you could always try sticking up a few posters of your heroes and heroines throughout your living room.

Wake your housemates up in the early hours

If you go out drinking without your housemates, they’ll be worried about you. It’s best to let them know that you got home safe by making lots of noise when you get in. Shouting a few unwarranted obscenities is the usual procedure, but if you’ve had a really good night, try knocking out a few acapella karaoke classics.

Your stuff is my stuff

Living with someone is basically the same as being married. Their stuff is your stuff. Borrow what you like, when you like. Don’t get in their way, or waste their time with asking; that’ll probably annoy them.

Help them beat the expiry date

Bread, milk, orange juice, chocolate, crisps; these things have a limited shelf life. Nobody likes seeing their food or money go to waste, so it’s perfectly respectable for you to step in and lend a helping hand. Your housemate will definitely be really grateful if they find that you’ve disposed of those last pesky dregs of milk that they’ve been trying to get rid of. 

Fix up look sharp

Nothing makes a worse first impression than bad hygiene. Ensure that sure you’re completely fresh by spending more time than anybody else in the bathroom. As an added measure, borrow your housemates’ shampoo and shower gel, in order that they feel comfortable and familiar with your bodily scent.

Sample their culinary skills

Show how much you admire your housemates’ fine gastronomic tastes by sampling their meals for yourself. Don’t be shy; help yourself to a couple of spoonfuls straight from the pan. You wouldn’t want the praise to go to their head though, so it’s best to do it without telling them.

Introduce your other friends

Everyone loves a surprise party. Your housemates will absolutely adore it if you invite loads of your outside friends round for a banging party without telling them beforehand.

Introduce your significant other

By letting your housemates meet your girlfriend/boyfriend, you show that you’re willing to share your relationship with them. In order for this to have the best effect, you should probably move your partner in for a couple of days of every week. Asking your housemates might make it weird, so just do it, they won’t mind. Don’t try and quieten down the sexy time either, if loud sex is who you are, then be yourself, man.

Don’t share your toilet roll

Toilet roll is a deeply personal thing. While for some people cheaper means better, others are more sensitive about what they use in the lav. You wouldn’t want to offend anybody by leaving an inappropriate brand lying around, so it’s best to keep yours for yourself.

Don’t take the bins out

Sometimes people throw things out by mistake. How annoyed would you be if you accidentally threw some university work in the bin and by the time you went to retrieve it someone had taken the rubbish out? No one wants that kind of guilt hanging over their head.

Sharing is caring

If any of your housemates happens to tell you some kind of compromising secret, it’s best to tell everyone else in your flat. A healthy home has no secrets, meaning that they really deserve to know. Heck, even if you don’t know for sure and you just suspect something about your housemate, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Try as hard as you possibly can

Spend every available minute with your housemates. Make sure you are with them during their every waking moment. Even if you have nothing to say and it seems a bit awkward, or they don’t seem to be enjoying your company, these crucial moments are what will make your friendship last forever and ever.

Smoke lots of weed

Making friends is easier when you’re relaxed. Stoned people make others feel as ease, especially when they keep their dodgy dealer friends in tow. If you’re aiming to be that stoned guy/girl in halls, be sure to come prepared with an anthology of hilariously original ‘I was so wasted’ anecdotes.

Tell interesting stories

University is full of interesting people. Making friends can be dog-eat-dog, so you need to make yourself stand out from the crowd. Make sure you tell everybody you encounter fascinating stories from your year abroad spent in Thailand (even if they’re not necessarily relevant), and be sure to inform everyone of the A-Level grades you would have got, had the air-conditioning been on in the exam hall at the time.

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